...I didn't, but then - he didn't seem as upset about what he'd done as you do about what you did.
[would it have been different if they'd been able to feel his emotions? maybe, but she's under the impression that it probably wouldn't.
there's definite concern for mineo as she comes up next to him, and understanding when he says he can't regret it. a bit of melancholy, because a lost life is still a lost life, but - ]
You were trying to minimize the bloodshed, right...? [by killing childe before he could kill anyone else?] That's what we were trying to do today, at trial, with... not voting. I can't think I can regret it, either.
[ . . . . . . he just nods at that - and he appreciates her understanding but. oh god. the cacophony of his emotions get worse. the uncertainty of whether he did the right thing, the worry about the other people here, the resignation to what he's done, and a general wonder if he's anywhere nearly as good as people are trying to think of him.]
.... yeah, but I still killed someone. [softly, a reminder, because doesn't it feel like everyone's forgotten? he wishes he could explain the way he felt watching everyone turn away from the bullet to go play with a dolphin. like he was frozen in place.]
I can say that it was done to protect people - and it was. I don't regret it. An officer has to trust their gut, and mine said that I had to remove a threat before he could cause a worse problem. We couldn't keep watching him - we couldn't even be sure he didn't get more powers or anything to kill eventually.
There was -
[there was so much that overwhelmed him, but he made a choice]
.... I don't know. [softly, but angrily - mostly at himself] I wish I had better answers than what I do.
[she says it gently. they may not all have picked up weapons and killed people, but - they've been complicit in perpetuating it. in picking and choosing evidence, in condemning people with their votes - in sentencing them to an execution. the first time, they hadn't known what it would mean.
every time after it, they had.]
Sometimes there aren't any good choices to make. [...] You have to do the best you can with what you have, even if it doesn't always feel right.
...for what it's worth, I think you did the best that any of us could in this situation.
[ . . . . he sighs out a breath at that - at her words. because they work some to settle his heart. there's still the sense of self-doubt, of worry, but - the thing is that objectively, he can agree. that sometimes there's no good choice and there's no way that someone can be good all the time.
you can only be as 'good' as you can be.]
.... I appreciate that, Shi-san.
[softly and with so much gratitude it's dripping with it, as overwhelmed as he is by his feelings]
I'm glad no one had to die. [ . . . ] I'm - glad that people decided they'd rather that I not be dead.
...a lot of people wouldn't have admitted it, even after avoiding the vote. [a lot of people haven't admitted it, even. stares at all our unsolved murders.] I think the fact that you're the sort of person who would admit it so quickly is part of why we chose to do what we did today.
[...]
You wanted to speak up during the trial, didn't you?
[he goes with the nudge and - there's this odd sense of guilt again, like he's not even sure if he should accept this much comfort. this... not quite praise, but acknowledgement? it feels wrong to him. but at the same time - what can he say?]
... of course.
[he says it so - so easily, and he laughs a little bitterly]
I'm... I'm so used to just protecting people. That was my old job. I'm used to be so afraid of dying - and maybe I still am. I don't want to die but it would've been easy to accept, as recompense for what I'd done.
Lying to everyone - watching people start suggesting other things, or even looking away from me... That was the hardest part. It felt like I'd just... tricked everyone. And I never want to do that.
[a lot of what he's saying resonates with her, and she bites her lip.
lying to people, tricking people... that's hard. that's definitely, definitely hard, and she can imagine that it must have been tearing him up inside during the trial. her stomach churns with a guilty feeling, and it's accompanied by a flash of anger and resentment.]
...I'm sorry.
[...]
You wouldn't have been in a position to have to do this, this week, if...
[...if they'd let him die on sunday.
she wonders, would they have let him bleed out if she hadn't spoken up then?]
[ . . . . . his brow furrows a little bit at that and - ]
... Shi-san....
I'm not sure what the end of that sentence is but.... I don't regret what I did. And I think... I only did it, because I wanted to protect all of my friends. The people who have been kind to me, and kind to others, because I didn't want their kindness to lead to anyone getting hurt.
So... since I don't regret anything that happened, no matter how hard it was -
I hope you don't either. I hope you can stand by your choices... because I like you, for who you are, and everything that comes with that.
...ahaha. You had to go through something really difficult this week, and you're still trying to cheer me up?
[because it is difficult - having to make that choice, having to be the one to take someone else's life into their own hands.]
But, I like you too, Mineo.
It's - hard, I think. To not look back and wonder if things could have been different. It's really hard. [...] But it's impossible not to wonder, right...?
[ . . . . he smiles a little bit at that - though it's not exactly a bright one. there's wistfulness, and somberness.]
... yeah. I know. What you could've done, or said, in order to try to make things better.
[ . . . he stares down at the tattoo on his hand - the sloth emblem burning into his skin]
But... that's - getting stuck in the past, isn't it? Even if you want to learn from it... I don't think you'll get any answers looking back too much. Just... speaking from experience, I guess.
.... I'm trying to. I think... that's what I've spent the last two months trying to learn.
I know that I'm probably a mess right now but... I really will be okay, Shi-san. But... still. Thanks for worrying about me. I really do appreciate it. I think... having people who care about me so much -
It's the only reason why I've been able to keep going like I have.
god, it really has been almost two months, hasn't it.]
People can make each other stronger, can't they? So... let's keep going. [there are so, so many people who care about mineo. that has to be obvious after today, right? she hopes so.] It feels like we're nearing the end of all this.
[it's - so painfully obvious that it's caused an entirely separate conflict in him but. at least that's one that he knows that he has to resolve on his own. his expression turns a little thoughtful at that]
... one more floor. And then we'll deal with the monster. I think... we really are coming up on the end of all of it.
[all of this, everything they've gone through - it has to count for something. she's not sure she'll ever be able to look back on all the lives that were lost and say it was worth it, but...
she at least wants to make sure it's not for nothing. they have to get out of this, and they have to make sure it doesn't happen again.]
We've come this far. And we achieved something today that people have been saying since the start was probably impossible.
So, there's bound to be other "impossible" things that we can manage, too.
I think so. I... You heard what Molly said today, right? About Beauregard-san. [there's the sparks of concern, of worry] I think that the departed - they've said that they're counting on us. I hope that means that we can still try to save them.
I'm hoping we can get out of here, and that we can save them while we're at it. It feels like we're getting closer to the end so...
[she nods. that concern and worry is echoed back to him - and there's determination that settles in.
beau might very well be gone. that's not something she really wants to accept, and it's not a fate she wants to accept for any of the other dead, either. she wants to bring them all out of wherever they are, if they can.]
...right. This isn't over just yet.
If there wasn't some way to save them, I don't think there would be a way for them to communicate with us. So let's do our best and keep working at it.
We'll figure out how to take care of who we can. We've at least been able to show that we care about each other enough in order to not want to vote for anyone, right? No petty arguments or anything...
[she squeezes his hand, then gives it a light shake. there! they shook on it! it's official, they'll definitely make it through this.
her own emotions aren't exactly settled, but - she's determined. that's the most prevalent feeling there, despite the mixed-up jumble of everything else that she can't shake.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shiftingwinds) wrote2021-02-10 07:01 pm
no subject
[would it have been different if they'd been able to feel his emotions? maybe, but she's under the impression that it probably wouldn't.
there's definite concern for mineo as she comes up next to him, and understanding when he says he can't regret it. a bit of melancholy, because a lost life is still a lost life, but - ]
You were trying to minimize the bloodshed, right...? [by killing childe before he could kill anyone else?] That's what we were trying to do today, at trial, with... not voting. I can't think I can regret it, either.
no subject
.... yeah, but I still killed someone. [softly, a reminder, because doesn't it feel like everyone's forgotten? he wishes he could explain the way he felt watching everyone turn away from the bullet to go play with a dolphin. like he was frozen in place.]
I can say that it was done to protect people - and it was. I don't regret it. An officer has to trust their gut, and mine said that I had to remove a threat before he could cause a worse problem. We couldn't keep watching him - we couldn't even be sure he didn't get more powers or anything to kill eventually.
There was -
[there was so much that overwhelmed him, but he made a choice]
.... I don't know. [softly, but angrily - mostly at himself] I wish I had better answers than what I do.
But I have to stick to what I've got.
no subject
[she says it gently. they may not all have picked up weapons and killed people, but - they've been complicit in perpetuating it. in picking and choosing evidence, in condemning people with their votes - in sentencing them to an execution. the first time, they hadn't known what it would mean.
every time after it, they had.]
Sometimes there aren't any good choices to make. [...] You have to do the best you can with what you have, even if it doesn't always feel right.
...for what it's worth, I think you did the best that any of us could in this situation.
no subject
you can only be as 'good' as you can be.]
.... I appreciate that, Shi-san.
[softly and with so much gratitude it's dripping with it, as overwhelmed as he is by his feelings]
I'm glad no one had to die. [ . . . ] I'm - glad that people decided they'd rather that I not be dead.
[to be specific.]
.... really makes a guy think, I guess.
no subject
...a lot of people wouldn't have admitted it, even after avoiding the vote. [a lot of people haven't admitted it, even. stares at all our unsolved murders.] I think the fact that you're the sort of person who would admit it so quickly is part of why we chose to do what we did today.
[...]
You wanted to speak up during the trial, didn't you?
no subject
... of course.
[he says it so - so easily, and he laughs a little bitterly]
I'm... I'm so used to just protecting people. That was my old job. I'm used to be so afraid of dying - and maybe I still am. I don't want to die but it would've been easy to accept, as recompense for what I'd done.
Lying to everyone - watching people start suggesting other things, or even looking away from me... That was the hardest part. It felt like I'd just... tricked everyone. And I never want to do that.
no subject
lying to people, tricking people... that's hard. that's definitely, definitely hard, and she can imagine that it must have been tearing him up inside during the trial. her stomach churns with a guilty feeling, and it's accompanied by a flash of anger and resentment.]
...I'm sorry.
[...]
You wouldn't have been in a position to have to do this, this week, if...
[...if they'd let him die on sunday.
she wonders, would they have let him bleed out if she hadn't spoken up then?]
no subject
... Shi-san....
I'm not sure what the end of that sentence is but.... I don't regret what I did. And I think... I only did it, because I wanted to protect all of my friends. The people who have been kind to me, and kind to others, because I didn't want their kindness to lead to anyone getting hurt.
So... since I don't regret anything that happened, no matter how hard it was -
I hope you don't either. I hope you can stand by your choices... because I like you, for who you are, and everything that comes with that.
no subject
[because it is difficult - having to make that choice, having to be the one to take someone else's life into their own hands.]
But, I like you too, Mineo.
It's - hard, I think. To not look back and wonder if things could have been different. It's really hard. [...] But it's impossible not to wonder, right...?
no subject
... yeah. I know. What you could've done, or said, in order to try to make things better.
[ . . . he stares down at the tattoo on his hand - the sloth emblem burning into his skin]
But... that's - getting stuck in the past, isn't it? Even if you want to learn from it... I don't think you'll get any answers looking back too much. Just... speaking from experience, I guess.
no subject
[she nudges him with her shoulder again]
That's pretty good advice. I hope you'll take it, too.
no subject
.... I'm trying to. I think... that's what I've spent the last two months trying to learn.
I know that I'm probably a mess right now but... I really will be okay, Shi-san. But... still. Thanks for worrying about me. I really do appreciate it. I think... having people who care about me so much -
It's the only reason why I've been able to keep going like I have.
no subject
god, it really has been almost two months, hasn't it.]
People can make each other stronger, can't they? So... let's keep going. [there are so, so many people who care about mineo. that has to be obvious after today, right? she hopes so.] It feels like we're nearing the end of all this.
Just a little further... right?
no subject
... one more floor. And then we'll deal with the monster. I think... we really are coming up on the end of all of it.
So we'll make sure it counts.
no subject
[all of this, everything they've gone through - it has to count for something. she's not sure she'll ever be able to look back on all the lives that were lost and say it was worth it, but...
she at least wants to make sure it's not for nothing. they have to get out of this, and they have to make sure it doesn't happen again.]
We've come this far. And we achieved something today that people have been saying since the start was probably impossible.
So, there's bound to be other "impossible" things that we can manage, too.
no subject
I think so. I... You heard what Molly said today, right? About Beauregard-san. [there's the sparks of concern, of worry] I think that the departed - they've said that they're counting on us. I hope that means that we can still try to save them.
I'm hoping we can get out of here, and that we can save them while we're at it. It feels like we're getting closer to the end so...
Last leg, finish strong, right?
no subject
beau might very well be gone. that's not something she really wants to accept, and it's not a fate she wants to accept for any of the other dead, either. she wants to bring them all out of wherever they are, if they can.]
...right. This isn't over just yet.
If there wasn't some way to save them, I don't think there would be a way for them to communicate with us. So let's do our best and keep working at it.
no subject
We'll figure out how to take care of who we can. We've at least been able to show that we care about each other enough in order to not want to vote for anyone, right? No petty arguments or anything...
[which
he does honestly find to be quite the relief]
no subject
We did manage that. This whole time, people have said that it might not be possible, but - we proved that wrong.
[it had taken some convincing, but -
if they can avoid an execution, maybe they can make it a week without a murder, too. and who else knows what they might be able to accomplish?]
no subject
Yeah. We did. So we just have to keep making more things possible, with all the people we've still got.
I think we can do it.
no subject
[eyes on the prize, or so the saying goes. they're almost there. there might be guilt and doubts that they have to deal with, but -
they can't let it eat them alive. not when there's still things they need to do and people they need to save.
she holds out her hand to him.]
No giving up now, right?
no subject
.... yeah. No giving up.
We'll win this - whatever the hell that looks like.
no subject
her own emotions aren't exactly settled, but - she's determined. that's the most prevalent feeling there, despite the mixed-up jumble of everything else that she can't shake.]
We will. We definitely will.