shiftingwinds | [7rings] catchall for douman

[Now they're the one who's pouting!]

You really are mischievous, Qingxuan!

Ahaha, you're really cute when you're pouting!

I'm not-!

[UGH]

You've put me in a real bind, Qingxuan! I'm suppose to be a humble priest! Humble, I tell you!

But why? I think you have a lot to be proud of.

I don't see exactly what I can be proud of...it isn't as if I'm as well known as most.

[very seriously:]

You don't need to be the most well-known person to take pride in yourself. You've made a difference for people by being here - I'm lucky to have had you cheering me up, you know? Being there for people is something to take pride in.

Also, there are things that only you can do, even if other people don't know about it. As long as you know that, I think there's every reason for you to be able to hold your head up high.

...

[There's a bittersweet sort of smile on their face.]

History didn't see me as someone to hold my head up high, Qingxuan.

Mortals get history wrong all the time. [a beat.] I mean it, you know! For example - they think I'm my brother's wife, not his sibling.

What's most important is you, not the stories that are told when you're not there anymore.

[She's right. She is absolutely, positively, right, but...]

[Douman only chuckles.]

I wish. But you know what a Servant is, don't you? I am merely a magical being that has been molded by the perceptions of others. The Douman who lived is someone no one will ever really know.

That's true. But... the person I know isn't the Douman who lived, it's the Douman who's sitting in front of me right now.

And that person is someone I like very much. Not because of how others perceive you, but because of the time we've spent together.

[That is very foolish to think, really. But...]

Even if you may not be getting the full picture? What if my secrets are too hard for you to bear?

...

[well, she can't really say for sure without knowing what the secrets are, but - ]

You're my friend. ...I don't want to be the kind of person who would turn away from a friend because of something like that. If they're hard to bear, then I want to help you bear them.

[Realizing this is still part of w2 memshare so. Haha so you want Another Memory]

Its easy to say, Qingxuan. Its not very easy to do, no matter how good your intentions are.

[bring it the fuck on]

The only way to find out would be for you to share your secrets with me. Is... that something you want to do?

I don't know, its-

[And everything changes.]

[There is a man kneeling in the middle of a room in the night. The man is Ashiya Douman. They stare at the wall across from them, with wide, weary eyes, their body tensed, like expecting a threat.]

[A person steps out of the shadows, bending down to embrace them, clawed fingernails digging deep into their shoulder.]

[The person in question is Ashiya Douman.]

[And Douman bends in to whisper something into the first Douman's ear. A single hissed sentence, a simple statement, said as fact.]

[If things remain as they are, you'll never once surpass Seimei.]

[And instantly, the rush of emotions comes. Sorrow. Terror. Fear. Anger. Hatred. Jealousy. Unbelievable despair. It comes like a roaring tide, and the first Douman starts to weep, and weep and weep, and howl like the world itself is ending, and things start to crash together in static, and it is impossible to tell where one Ashiya Douman begins and the other ends and-]

[And suddenly, where there were two, there is just one. Ashiya Douman, kneeling quietly in the middle of a moonlit room.]

[Just smiling to themselves. Their eyes open, dark.]

[Comfortable.]

[...they don't have a choice, apparently.

that's right - between the trial, and the execution, she'd almost forgotten about the memories that keep bubbling up, unbidden.

this is, perhaps, something that douman would not have chosen to share on their own. honestly, she isn't entirely sure quite what to make of it - two doumans, becoming one? what does that even mean? but the sorry, terror, fear, despair - that's all crushingly familiar. the anger, hatred, and jealousy are harder to relate to, but it's still painful to feel what they felt.

when the memory fades out, she's quiet for a few long moments, and then she reaches out to take their hands.

she's not leaving.]

...

[They want to go, suddenly. Flee. A performer can't be seen for what they really are on the stage. The curtains must close, and the facade must break, if only for a moment-]

[But before they can move, she reaches out to take their hands. Like an anchor, they weigh them down here, in this room full of stars and constellations. Douman doesn't want to be weighed down - there's an instinct to snap their teeth, like a wild dog that's been trapped in a net, but looking down at their hands...they can't muster the urge to do so.]

[So they just sit there, their expression blank.]

[Unsure how to react.]

[she looks from their hands, then up to douman's face.

...that blank expression is worrying. she gives their hands a squeeze, and when she speaks, her voice is soft.]

If that's one of the secrets you were worried about, it won't make me leave you. [...] But if you'd prefer, we don't have to talk about this again. I'll pretend like I never saw it if that's what you want.

...Hahaha. Well, its not a secret, its more like a...

[And they just trail off.]

[A pause, and they lift her hands just to cup their face. Just to hold it as they close their eyes and lean into the touch.]

[you know what, that's fair.

when they bring her hands to their face, she scoots a little closer to allow her to cup their cheeks more easily. she makes absolutely no move to pull her hands away; douman can stay that way as long as they like.]

...

[They hold that for a while, and don't pull away. Her hands are...very soft.]

[They are all sharp teeth, angles, and points, meant to hurt and tear. And she...]

[They murmur:]

I am someone who is made to stand behind another. A Servant. A jester for gods. So I am someone who does not know how to be perceived, behind my role.

Edited 2021-03-11 02:59 (UTC)

[she's quiet, for a moment, mulling that over.

and then - ]

You're you.

[a jester for gods, in particular, has her wrinkling her nose. she is a god, but she doesn't like the idea of someone - particularly not a friend - thinking of themselves as lesser, somehow.]

If you don't know how to do that yet, that's okay. You can learn. [they're here. whatever their life was like before, whatever it's normally like as a servant - although they're trapped in this place like all the others, they have choices of their own that they can make.] ...if you'll let me, I'll help you. Until you're comfortable having people see you.

Hm.

[Its easy to say.]

[But all they are is malignant. A great evil who delights in the suffering of others, and was made to destroy.]

[There's no need or want for being..."someone comfortable with being seen".]

[Right?]

And how will you do that, Qingxuan?

...well, I'm not sure... that would depend on what's most helpful to you, wouldn't it?

[and she can't pretend to know exactly what that would be.]

But I'll stay with you, and we can figure it out together.

Stay with me...stay with me...

[And a low exhale.]

But will you do that forever? I suppose a god has more important things, in an eternal life.

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