"shi yasss queen" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shiftingwinds) wrote2021-02-15 08:58 pm
shiftingwinds) wrote2021-02-15 08:58 pmEntry tags:
[7rings] catchall for douman
i'll make this pretty later
shiftingwinds) wrote2021-02-15 08:58 pm
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she nods, though; she can see the wisdom in what douman is saying. the important thing is making sure that they get out of this - all of them - so if it does seem as though ming yi is going to be a threat, they need to take steps to stop him.
...she just really wants to believe that he won't be.
whether he will or won't, though, it's hard to say; shi qingxuan has always been easy to fool. douman had a front-row view of that in the month that they'd been locked up in their own mind, watching limbo fool her.]
...if we end up getting wishes at the end of this... [and that's a big if, at this point.] ...I can fix it. [...] He's the way he is now because of me. That much, at least, I can put right.
But if we don't, then I'll have to find another way to stop him. And in the meantime...
[...well.
that's more complicated. but she's sure they're not the only ones thinking about what to do with him and all of the other murderers who got away.]
...thank you. [she looks up at their face.] For being willing to talk to me about this. It's... difficult, but it's better that it doesn't go unsaid, even if it's not something I like to hear.
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[Again, that pang. Talking like this, its been easy to set aside feelings under hurt, and pain, and feeling like they've been betrayed by someone who they thought was a good pure person.]
[But being thanked like this, its...hard. Its hard, because seeing her like this makes them want to reach out. To comfort her. Limbo comforted her, yes, because deep down, there was a genuine desire, under all that evil, to...]
...Qingxuan. [And their voice is quiet, almost hoarse.] I originally wanted to say it because yes. When I saw you, and I talked to others about you, I thought I would never forgive you. How could I? You, who had murdered, who stood by the side of that man...
[Their eyebrows furrow in a pained expression.]
I don't know. I-I don't know. Despite everything, I...even after everything...if only you could be freed from all of this suffering...
[They can't finish.]
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[she... seems determined, at least.
with a wish, she can stop her brother from switching their fates. the events that led ming yi - he xuan - down the path that led to him becoming a ghost can be prevented. there won't be a supreme ghost king, black water sinking ships; this monster of her and her brother's making can be unmade.
he xuan can live the life he would have lived if her own existence hadn't ruined it. his family can live. his sister and his fiancée won't meet the miserable fates they had, the first time around.
and she...
well, nothing will happen to her that wasn't originally fated to in the first place.]
You don't have to forgive me. [her voice is quiet, too - a little pained, but she's trying to keep the pain out of it.] I did what I did, and I won't run from it.
[she may have had her reasons, and what she did might have been for their collective benefit - but that doesn't mean that people didn't suffer for it, either.]
...it's okay, if you don't know. You don't have to force yourself. It's... complicated, right?
[she starts to reach out for their hand - but then pauses. that is probably not welcome, actually.]
Take your time. There's a lot for you to process, right...? After everything you went through.
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[Of course it is. Everything is. To be freed of that thing's influence, to be one's own person, finally finding some light, some hope, and...]
[Everything is confusing. In a way, being Limbo was refreshing, because all Limbo felt was the feelings of a curse, because in the end, they were just a shadow of humanity. Something trying to feel, succeeding, and being destroyed because of it.]
[Qingxuan reaches out, and Douman startles, slightly, and then...a pause. A sigh.]
[And reaching out to take her hand and just pull it towards their forehead, resting against it.]
[Their eyes water. They don't say a word.]
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her eyes widen in surprise when they reach out to take her hand. that's not something she's expecting at all, but she lets it happen; if they weren't okay with it, they wouldn't reach out to stop her from pulling her hand back, right...?
but the watering of their eyes is concerning. her brows knit together, and she bites her lip, watching their face.
she doesn't say a word, either.]
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[They don't know anymore. They don't know what to feel anymore. Deep down, its easy to be bitter, be consumed with grudges, be one who allows anger to control themselves, but like...]
[Like with Abe no Seimei, their friend, someone who they hate, they do, but someone who has always been nice, always been good, always been someone they cared for...]
[Someone they love...]
[Its hard.]
[Douman just cries, keeping her hand where it is.]
I'm just happy to see you with my own eyes, this time.
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the other douman had told her, a month ago - i don't like it when you suffer. and that very well might have been a lie, but that sentiment is echoed back at them, even now; she's never liked witnessing the suffering of others, least of all when they don't deserve it.
and this douman doesn't deserve any of the things that have happened to them.
her hand stays on their forehead, but she can't just... stay like this and watch them cry, and she reaches out with her other hand, tucking her fingers into her sleeve so she can try and wipe some of their tears with the fabric.]
...I'm sorry. It must have been so hard for you, to have to watch everything through theirs.
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[That's an understatement. To watch yourself - and truly, yourself - act like such a monster, pretending to be "humble", and watching as people fell for it hook, line, and sinker was...torture.]
[Qingxuan wipes their tears, and they shudder, swallowing.]
Its fine. Its fine. I'm...a wretched soul, after all.
[The one they hate most, always, will be themselves.]
You don't need to say anything like that. Please.
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[she wants to argue against that. it's written all over her face, and she even parts her lips to say something.
but the look on their face, and that please...
her brow furrows, and she shakes her head, continuing to try and wipe their tears with her free hand. she doesn't agree that they're a wretched soul, not in the slightest, but she's sure that at this point she's probably the last person they want to hear that from.
would it hurt them more, if she said they weren't? if they're convinced that she's - like the person who possessed them, that she's like he xuan, that she's as selfish and cruel as any of them, then hearing her say that she thinks they're not that way might do more harm than good.
but to just accept it as fact, that doesn't feel right, either.]
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I'm sorry. I'm...I'm just overwhelmed.
[And they bow their head.]
Qingxuan. You should seek penance on your own, not throw yourself into hell. Even after everything...Limbo did worse than you ever did.
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[it's completely understandable - who wouldn't be overwhelmed in a situation like this? even excluding the possession, douman's had a rough time of it. coming back to life (kind of) and immediately having all of this to contend with is so much. add the possession into it, and... yikes.]
Just let yourself feel what you feel. It's a lot, all at once, but - trying not to feel it won't help. It will only make it worse.
[she is, perhaps, speaking from experience.
she's quiet for a few long moments after they speak, looking down at the ice she grabbed which is most definitely melted now. she'll have to get a new batch once they're done here.]
...I'll... try. I just don't want to... [she bites her lip] I don't want to escape consequences for the things that I did, or for the things that I didn't do that I should have. That... wouldn't be right either, I think.
I've been living on borrowed time for more than five hundred years. And... I lived very, very well during that time. It's - that's enough. I don't need more than I've already had.
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[And there's a sudden peak of annoyance, anger, their black eyes shining with something sharp.]
[Its one thing for them to throw their own lives away.]
[But Qingxuan...? Even after all she did?]
Don't...don't you...d-don't you do that.
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but that sudden anger, and the look in their eyes, silences her. she searches their face for a few long moments...
...and just looks lost. she doesn't understand.]
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[Tears come again, but they're hot and furious.]
I don't want you to die!
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that hits her like a ton of bricks, and she - well, she panics, a little. crying from being overwhelmed is one thing; crying because of this is...]
—ah, wait, please don't cry...!
[aaaaa what does she do]
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I-I don't mean to, but...I wanted to meet you, and even after everything, I'm...I'm selfish! I'm selfish. And I don't want to think that you're just going home to be torn apart by that...that bastard!
[SQX might be one thing, but Ming Yi? They will happily take her over them any day of the week 24/7 365 days a year.]
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she reaches for their hands, then, to give them a light squeeze that she hopes is comforting.]
That won't - that won't happen. He won't do that. [she desperately wants to believe he won't do that, anyway; she sounds convinced enough, when she says it.] ...he won't.