shiftingwinds | [7rings] catchall for douman

If he went after your brother for what he did, do you think he would not go after you, too?

[Because it was clearly a situation of YOU PUT ME INTO THIS HORRIFIC SITUATION AND NOW I'LL TAKE REVENGE, as far as Douman understands it.]

Do you think you're safe? Maybe his wish for you was...to get you where he wanted you to be.

Edited 2021-04-02 16:13 (UTC)

Maybe that's what he wanted. I don't... I don't know. That's the whole problem, that's always been the problem - I don't know, and I didn't know, even when I should have.

[she can't say it isn't a possibility. she also can't say she would blame him for it, knowing the bits and pieces that she does.]

But if he wants me dead, there isn't any reason for him to kill Kaz for a wish to get me where he wants. If that was what he wanted he should have just left Kaz out of it.

[there was ample opportunity to just fuckin kill her.]

I don't think he wants you dead.

[There's something withdrawn in their face.]

Speaking as someone who was watching as a creature manipulated you all, bode their time...sometimes, the best reward is watching people suffer instead of outright killing them. Believe me. That curse would've killed whoever they wanted. But there were certain people who they would be more than happy to let live, and then pull out their hopes from underneath them to watch them collapse.

That would be the greatest joy, the greatest delight. Don't think that...because you're not dead now, that you're safe.

[sometimes, the best reward is watching people suffer instead of outright killing them...

she knows that all too well, doesn't she? she lived that, for most of her mortal life. this douman seems to have seen everything the other did; she wonders if that extends to the memories, too.

she falls silent, considering that. thinking that over.

if that's really what ming yi wants, then...]

...You ran away from a monster for your whole life, mortal and immortal.

[And they scowl.]

And this whole time, you were nurturing a monster at your feet and letting it into your bed.

[There's no amount of words for the distaste they have in their mouth. The whole time, they were trapped inside of a monster's mind, unable to act. When they were able to act, they wanted to do what they could to avoid that monster from existing. Dying, getting erased, anything. Anything to stop it.]

[And here, a monster roams free, and is happily allowed to do so. Terrible. How terrible.]

[she flinches, but doesn't argue that, because -

douman isn't wrong. she might not have known what he was the whole time, but she'd stayed close to him. even after learning who and what he really was, she hadn't realized what he'd done. she'd come close to figuring it out, but she'd believed him when he'd said he hadn't.

of everyone here, she's the one person who should have known, and she didn't.

she lowers her head.]

...he became the way he is because of me. [...] I don't know if there's any fixing it.

[especially because whether or not they're actually going to get wishes at the end of this is anyone's guess. she could fix it, if they do. she could prevent her brother from doing what he did, and unmake the monster ming yi is.]

I can at least... try to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else from now on. If he wants revenge, then as long as that revenge ends with me, it's...

[...it's not okay.

but it's something she can accept. if he's tormenting her, he can't torment anyone else.]

Are you mad, Qingxuan?

[Incredibly blunt, comes the question. How very different from the smooth tones of Limbo, hiding behind words. Douman says it like it is, because what use is there to hide it?]

Here I thought you were selfish. But somehow that doesn't extend to your own life? You'll simply throw your life in front of him as an offering? Give up? Let him do whatever he wants with you? And who's to say that after he's done with you, he won't move further? You won't be there to stop him anymore.

[Not that they know Ming Yi well enough to say that he would or wouldn't stop at revenge, but considering he killed Kaz...]

[douman is so valid.]

I...

[she just looks lost, honestly. her hand tightens on the ice she'd grabbed from the freezer, which at this point is probably starting to melt. oh well.]

I don't know. But you said, he might not want me dead. I don't know how long that will last, but if I stay with him, I can try to find a way to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else. [...] I don't want to die. I don't want him to kill anyone else, either.

...I just don't know how to make that happen.

[don't suggest killing him she barely managed to kill eleanor, you think she could manage to kill ming yi?]

Confide this in the others. Don't do this by yourself.

[There's a pang of sympathy, but they still frown.]

You are only one person, after all. I understand your feelings about not wanting to hurt others, but...you know, in tales, voracious creatures are never satisfied with just one meal. They will always want more. You will not solve anything by doing this on your own. Trap him, lock him up, I don't know. If you don't want to kill the man, there are ways of setting him back so he won't be able to hurt others.

[and make him their problem when he shouldn't have been their problem in the first place...?

she nods, though; she can see the wisdom in what douman is saying. the important thing is making sure that they get out of this - all of them - so if it does seem as though ming yi is going to be a threat, they need to take steps to stop him.

...she just really wants to believe that he won't be.

whether he will or won't, though, it's hard to say; shi qingxuan has always been easy to fool. douman had a front-row view of that in the month that they'd been locked up in their own mind, watching limbo fool her.]

...if we end up getting wishes at the end of this... [and that's a big if, at this point.] ...I can fix it. [...] He's the way he is now because of me. That much, at least, I can put right.

But if we don't, then I'll have to find another way to stop him. And in the meantime...

[...well.

that's more complicated. but she's sure they're not the only ones thinking about what to do with him and all of the other murderers who got away.]

...thank you. [she looks up at their face.] For being willing to talk to me about this. It's... difficult, but it's better that it doesn't go unsaid, even if it's not something I like to hear.

Can you really fix it?

[Again, that pang. Talking like this, its been easy to set aside feelings under hurt, and pain, and feeling like they've been betrayed by someone who they thought was a good pure person.]

[But being thanked like this, its...hard. Its hard, because seeing her like this makes them want to reach out. To comfort her. Limbo comforted her, yes, because deep down, there was a genuine desire, under all that evil, to...]

...Qingxuan. [And their voice is quiet, almost hoarse.] I originally wanted to say it because yes. When I saw you, and I talked to others about you, I thought I would never forgive you. How could I? You, who had murdered, who stood by the side of that man...

[Their eyebrows furrow in a pained expression.]

I don't know. I-I don't know. Despite everything, I...even after everything...if only you could be freed from all of this suffering...

[They can't finish.]

I can and I will.

[she... seems determined, at least.

with a wish, she can stop her brother from switching their fates. the events that led ming yi - he xuan - down the path that led to him becoming a ghost can be prevented. there won't be a supreme ghost king, black water sinking ships; this monster of her and her brother's making can be unmade.

he xuan can live the life he would have lived if her own existence hadn't ruined it. his family can live. his sister and his fiancée won't meet the miserable fates they had, the first time around.

and she...

well, nothing will happen to her that wasn't originally fated to in the first place.]

You don't have to forgive me. [her voice is quiet, too - a little pained, but she's trying to keep the pain out of it.] I did what I did, and I won't run from it.

[she may have had her reasons, and what she did might have been for their collective benefit - but that doesn't mean that people didn't suffer for it, either.]

...it's okay, if you don't know. You don't have to force yourself. It's... complicated, right?

[she starts to reach out for their hand - but then pauses. that is probably not welcome, actually.]

Take your time. There's a lot for you to process, right...? After everything you went through.

...It's complicated.

[Of course it is. Everything is. To be freed of that thing's influence, to be one's own person, finally finding some light, some hope, and...]

[Everything is confusing. In a way, being Limbo was refreshing, because all Limbo felt was the feelings of a curse, because in the end, they were just a shadow of humanity. Something trying to feel, succeeding, and being destroyed because of it.]

[Qingxuan reaches out, and Douman startles, slightly, and then...a pause. A sigh.]

[And reaching out to take her hand and just pull it towards their forehead, resting against it.]

[Their eyes water. They don't say a word.]

[—oh.

her eyes widen in surprise when they reach out to take her hand. that's not something she's expecting at all, but she lets it happen; if they weren't okay with it, they wouldn't reach out to stop her from pulling her hand back, right...?

but the watering of their eyes is concerning. her brows knit together, and she bites her lip, watching their face.

she doesn't say a word, either.]

...

[They don't know anymore. They don't know what to feel anymore. Deep down, its easy to be bitter, be consumed with grudges, be one who allows anger to control themselves, but like...]

[Like with Abe no Seimei, their friend, someone who they hate, they do, but someone who has always been nice, always been good, always been someone they cared for...]

[Someone they love...]

[Its hard.]

[Douman just cries, keeping her hand where it is.]

I'm just happy to see you with my own eyes, this time.

[it hurts, to see them like this.

the other douman had told her, a month ago - i don't like it when you suffer. and that very well might have been a lie, but that sentiment is echoed back at them, even now; she's never liked witnessing the suffering of others, least of all when they don't deserve it.

and this douman doesn't deserve any of the things that have happened to them.

her hand stays on their forehead, but she can't just... stay like this and watch them cry, and she reaches out with her other hand, tucking her fingers into her sleeve so she can try and wipe some of their tears with the fabric.]

...I'm sorry. It must have been so hard for you, to have to watch everything through theirs.

...

[That's an understatement. To watch yourself - and truly, yourself - act like such a monster, pretending to be "humble", and watching as people fell for it hook, line, and sinker was...torture.]

[Qingxuan wipes their tears, and they shudder, swallowing.]

Its fine. Its fine. I'm...a wretched soul, after all.

[The one they hate most, always, will be themselves.]

You don't need to say anything like that. Please.

But...

[she wants to argue against that. it's written all over her face, and she even parts her lips to say something.

but the look on their face, and that please...

her brow furrows, and she shakes her head, continuing to try and wipe their tears with her free hand. she doesn't agree that they're a wretched soul, not in the slightest, but she's sure that at this point she's probably the last person they want to hear that from.

would it hurt them more, if she said they weren't? if they're convinced that she's - like the person who possessed them, that she's like he xuan, that she's as selfish and cruel as any of them, then hearing her say that she thinks they're not that way might do more harm than good.

but to just accept it as fact, that doesn't feel right, either.]

[It doesn't matter, what Qingxuan says. Even if she said otherwise, they wouldn't believe her, not because its her, but because they don't believe in anything good said about them, anyways.]

I'm sorry. I'm...I'm just overwhelmed.

[And they bow their head.]

Qingxuan. You should seek penance on your own, not throw yourself into hell. Even after everything...Limbo did worse than you ever did.

You don't need to apologize for that.

[it's completely understandable - who wouldn't be overwhelmed in a situation like this? even excluding the possession, douman's had a rough time of it. coming back to life (kind of) and immediately having all of this to contend with is so much. add the possession into it, and... yikes.]

Just let yourself feel what you feel. It's a lot, all at once, but - trying not to feel it won't help. It will only make it worse.

[she is, perhaps, speaking from experience.

she's quiet for a few long moments after they speak, looking down at the ice she grabbed which is most definitely melted now. she'll have to get a new batch once they're done here.]

...I'll... try. I just don't want to... [she bites her lip] I don't want to escape consequences for the things that I did, or for the things that I didn't do that I should have. That... wouldn't be right either, I think.

I've been living on borrowed time for more than five hundred years. And... I lived very, very well during that time. It's - that's enough. I don't need more than I've already had.

I know, but throwing yourselves to the wolves? To Ming Yi?

[And there's a sudden peak of annoyance, anger, their black eyes shining with something sharp.]

[Its one thing for them to throw their own lives away.]

[But Qingxuan...? Even after all she did?]

Don't...don't you...d-don't you do that.

[she's about to say something -

but that sudden anger, and the look in their eyes, silences her. she searches their face for a few long moments...

...and just looks lost. she doesn't understand.]

Don't look at me like that-! Qingxuan!

[Tears come again, but they're hot and furious.]

I don't want you to die!

[oh.

that hits her like a ton of bricks, and she - well, she panics, a little. crying from being overwhelmed is one thing; crying because of this is...]

—ah, wait, please don't cry...!

[aaaaa what does she do]

[Welcome to Douman airlines. We are experiencing emotional turbulence right now.]

I-I don't mean to, but...I wanted to meet you, and even after everything, I'm...I'm selfish! I'm selfish. And I don't want to think that you're just going home to be torn apart by that...that bastard!

[SQX might be one thing, but Ming Yi? They will happily take her over them any day of the week 24/7 365 days a year.]

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shiftingwinds - 2021-04-04 23:34 (UTC) - Expand