"shi yasss queen" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shiftingwinds) wrote2021-02-15 08:58 pm
shiftingwinds) wrote2021-02-15 08:58 pmEntry tags:
[7rings] catchall for douman
i'll make this pretty later
shiftingwinds) wrote2021-02-15 08:58 pm
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[Something worried settles in their expression.]
He's no longer of the living?
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Because of... because of me.
["Do you think Ming Yi associates you with that, then? Even though he has never told you a thing?"
"I know he does. There's... no way he couldn't."]
It's a long story. I didn't... know all of it until I came here. [...] I think there are parts of it I still don't know. I didn't see all of his memories, after all, and... he's from further ahead in time than I am. There are things he's experienced that I haven't, yet.
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[So...he's a ghost. One of the dead? A spirit? Possibly.]
[And considering what they learned...]
Did he ever tell you what he did with your brother?
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[her brow furrows slightly at that. she thinks back, to the memories she saw, and then shakes her head.]
I know he confronted the both of us. And... I know my brother tried to kill me, but he stopped him from doing so. That's the last thing I saw, though.
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[Well, now.]
He did something quite horrible after that, Qingxuan.
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[her voice trails off; she looks like she's not sure if she should ask.
...shouldn't she just ask him? but then, if he hasn't told her already, would he tell her? that thought hits her, and then she immediately feels guilty for thinking it; the furrow of her brow deepens.]
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[They don't...know what to do.]
I just don't know if he will tell you.
[That's the problem. And they feel like she deserves to know.]
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[she looks down, fiddling with the hem of her sleeve.]
...I want to hear it from him. [...] The memories that I did see, he said he was trying to figure out how to tell me, but this place showed me before he could.
So maybe... he's still trying to figure out how to tell me that, too...?
[she
really, really wants to believe in that.]
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Do you trust him enough for that? You at least had a reason to kill, or at least, you were ordered to. Him? What reason did he have?
[.....Their hands clench into fists on the table.]
That was my message to you, before it got obscured. "Qingxuan...look at your loved ones closely".
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I don't know.
[her voice is small.
what reason did he have? for his wish? something about that makes her heart clench uncomfortably, and she bites her lip.]
...he told me that the reason he came here was because of me. [...] So, if he killed him for his wish, then...
[too bad she's not on despair. this would be a despair indulgence if there ever was one.]
He died because of what my brother did to him for my sake, he should know better than anyone, I wouldn't want him to kill someone else for my sake...
[she seems genuinely distressed.]
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[Because it was clearly a situation of YOU PUT ME INTO THIS HORRIFIC SITUATION AND NOW I'LL TAKE REVENGE, as far as Douman understands it.]
Do you think you're safe? Maybe his wish for you was...to get you where he wanted you to be.
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[she can't say it isn't a possibility. she also can't say she would blame him for it, knowing the bits and pieces that she does.]
But if he wants me dead, there isn't any reason for him to kill Kaz for a wish to get me where he wants. If that was what he wanted he should have just left Kaz out of it.
[there was ample opportunity to just fuckin kill her.]
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[There's something withdrawn in their face.]
Speaking as someone who was watching as a creature manipulated you all, bode their time...sometimes, the best reward is watching people suffer instead of outright killing them. Believe me. That curse would've killed whoever they wanted. But there were certain people who they would be more than happy to let live, and then pull out their hopes from underneath them to watch them collapse.
That would be the greatest joy, the greatest delight. Don't think that...because you're not dead now, that you're safe.
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she knows that all too well, doesn't she? she lived that, for most of her mortal life. this douman seems to have seen everything the other did; she wonders if that extends to the memories, too.
she falls silent, considering that. thinking that over.
if that's really what ming yi wants, then...]
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[And they scowl.]
And this whole time, you were nurturing a monster at your feet and letting it into your bed.
[There's no amount of words for the distaste they have in their mouth. The whole time, they were trapped inside of a monster's mind, unable to act. When they were able to act, they wanted to do what they could to avoid that monster from existing. Dying, getting erased, anything. Anything to stop it.]
[And here, a monster roams free, and is happily allowed to do so. Terrible. How terrible.]
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douman isn't wrong. she might not have known what he was the whole time, but she'd stayed close to him. even after learning who and what he really was, she hadn't realized what he'd done. she'd come close to figuring it out, but she'd believed him when he'd said he hadn't.
of everyone here, she's the one person who should have known, and she didn't.
she lowers her head.]
...he became the way he is because of me. [...] I don't know if there's any fixing it.
[especially because whether or not they're actually going to get wishes at the end of this is anyone's guess. she could fix it, if they do. she could prevent her brother from doing what he did, and unmake the monster ming yi is.]
I can at least... try to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else from now on. If he wants revenge, then as long as that revenge ends with me, it's...
[...it's not okay.
but it's something she can accept. if he's tormenting her, he can't torment anyone else.]
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[Incredibly blunt, comes the question. How very different from the smooth tones of Limbo, hiding behind words. Douman says it like it is, because what use is there to hide it?]
Here I thought you were selfish. But somehow that doesn't extend to your own life? You'll simply throw your life in front of him as an offering? Give up? Let him do whatever he wants with you? And who's to say that after he's done with you, he won't move further? You won't be there to stop him anymore.
[Not that they know Ming Yi well enough to say that he would or wouldn't stop at revenge, but considering he killed Kaz...]
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I...
[she just looks lost, honestly. her hand tightens on the ice she'd grabbed from the freezer, which at this point is probably starting to melt. oh well.]
I don't know. But you said, he might not want me dead. I don't know how long that will last, but if I stay with him, I can try to find a way to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else. [...] I don't want to die. I don't want him to kill anyone else, either.
...I just don't know how to make that happen.
[don't suggest killing him she barely managed to kill eleanor, you think she could manage to kill ming yi?]
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[There's a pang of sympathy, but they still frown.]
You are only one person, after all. I understand your feelings about not wanting to hurt others, but...you know, in tales, voracious creatures are never satisfied with just one meal. They will always want more. You will not solve anything by doing this on your own. Trap him, lock him up, I don't know. If you don't want to kill the man, there are ways of setting him back so he won't be able to hurt others.
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she nods, though; she can see the wisdom in what douman is saying. the important thing is making sure that they get out of this - all of them - so if it does seem as though ming yi is going to be a threat, they need to take steps to stop him.
...she just really wants to believe that he won't be.
whether he will or won't, though, it's hard to say; shi qingxuan has always been easy to fool. douman had a front-row view of that in the month that they'd been locked up in their own mind, watching limbo fool her.]
...if we end up getting wishes at the end of this... [and that's a big if, at this point.] ...I can fix it. [...] He's the way he is now because of me. That much, at least, I can put right.
But if we don't, then I'll have to find another way to stop him. And in the meantime...
[...well.
that's more complicated. but she's sure they're not the only ones thinking about what to do with him and all of the other murderers who got away.]
...thank you. [she looks up at their face.] For being willing to talk to me about this. It's... difficult, but it's better that it doesn't go unsaid, even if it's not something I like to hear.
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[Again, that pang. Talking like this, its been easy to set aside feelings under hurt, and pain, and feeling like they've been betrayed by someone who they thought was a good pure person.]
[But being thanked like this, its...hard. Its hard, because seeing her like this makes them want to reach out. To comfort her. Limbo comforted her, yes, because deep down, there was a genuine desire, under all that evil, to...]
...Qingxuan. [And their voice is quiet, almost hoarse.] I originally wanted to say it because yes. When I saw you, and I talked to others about you, I thought I would never forgive you. How could I? You, who had murdered, who stood by the side of that man...
[Their eyebrows furrow in a pained expression.]
I don't know. I-I don't know. Despite everything, I...even after everything...if only you could be freed from all of this suffering...
[They can't finish.]
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[she... seems determined, at least.
with a wish, she can stop her brother from switching their fates. the events that led ming yi - he xuan - down the path that led to him becoming a ghost can be prevented. there won't be a supreme ghost king, black water sinking ships; this monster of her and her brother's making can be unmade.
he xuan can live the life he would have lived if her own existence hadn't ruined it. his family can live. his sister and his fiancée won't meet the miserable fates they had, the first time around.
and she...
well, nothing will happen to her that wasn't originally fated to in the first place.]
You don't have to forgive me. [her voice is quiet, too - a little pained, but she's trying to keep the pain out of it.] I did what I did, and I won't run from it.
[she may have had her reasons, and what she did might have been for their collective benefit - but that doesn't mean that people didn't suffer for it, either.]
...it's okay, if you don't know. You don't have to force yourself. It's... complicated, right?
[she starts to reach out for their hand - but then pauses. that is probably not welcome, actually.]
Take your time. There's a lot for you to process, right...? After everything you went through.
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[Of course it is. Everything is. To be freed of that thing's influence, to be one's own person, finally finding some light, some hope, and...]
[Everything is confusing. In a way, being Limbo was refreshing, because all Limbo felt was the feelings of a curse, because in the end, they were just a shadow of humanity. Something trying to feel, succeeding, and being destroyed because of it.]
[Qingxuan reaches out, and Douman startles, slightly, and then...a pause. A sigh.]
[And reaching out to take her hand and just pull it towards their forehead, resting against it.]
[Their eyes water. They don't say a word.]
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her eyes widen in surprise when they reach out to take her hand. that's not something she's expecting at all, but she lets it happen; if they weren't okay with it, they wouldn't reach out to stop her from pulling her hand back, right...?
but the watering of their eyes is concerning. her brows knit together, and she bites her lip, watching their face.
she doesn't say a word, either.]
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[They don't know anymore. They don't know what to feel anymore. Deep down, its easy to be bitter, be consumed with grudges, be one who allows anger to control themselves, but like...]
[Like with Abe no Seimei, their friend, someone who they hate, they do, but someone who has always been nice, always been good, always been someone they cared for...]
[Someone they love...]
[Its hard.]
[Douman just cries, keeping her hand where it is.]
I'm just happy to see you with my own eyes, this time.
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