shiftingwinds | [7rings] catchall for douman

...Yes.

[They've stopped twirling with her for a moment. Its nervewracking, the way their heart pounds over and over again inside their chest, the beat roaring in their ears, and they hope that somehow Qingxuan won't be able to hear.]

[Days ago, everything had felt so different. But was it really different? Or was it just being lost in a fog, believing in one version of things and then learning to find that things are very different than what they seemed. Perhaps their heart is clearer. Perhaps its more clouded, fearful, scared of her fate and where she might end up.]

[Their own cheeks flushed, their eyes start to water.]

The only thing that is missing...that I'm missing, is...you.

[oh.

shi qingxuan is weak in a lot of ways, but she's especially weak to tears, and seeing douman's eyes begin watering has her drawing her hands back from theirs - but only so she can reach up to cup their cheeks, her thumbs there to brush away any tears that do actually spill over.]

...I didn't realize...

[she hadn't thought they knew her well enough to get that attached?

although - no, that's not really the case, is it? they were there the whole time. and that whole time, with limbo, she'd been genuine. shi qingxuan does not and has not ever known how to be anyone other than who she is.

she's the one that didn't know them as well as she'd thought, because that whole time, it was limbo she was getting to know.]

I thought - you and Ryan...?

Edited (hit enter too soon) 2021-04-08 00:31 (UTC)

[Douman's cheeks warm under her touch, lower lip trembling. Its one thing to say this and just have Qingxuan listen, but another to have her reach out to comfort the, to catch tears as they fall.]

[For several days they had thought she was selfish. Manipulative. The type of person who sat with evil, and allowed it to persist.]

[But here, how could this be anything but a kind gesture? How could her words have been anything but sincere, even with Limbo? Limbo...had been taken by her. A human-like god, a god-like human, and even that monster in human flesh had been charmed, like the lion who sleeps near the kindly soul that plucked a thorn out of its paw...]

Of course... [Douman starts, stops, too overwhelmed by emotion.] O-of course, Ryan and I, we will...be together. I would never abandon him. But...but if I could...reach out my hand to you as well and hold it tightly and never let go...I would be...more than happy.

[ryan had told her, the night before - he'd asked if douman would be alright with it, if he invited her to come along with them. at the time, with much left unresolved between them, she'd thought that douman had agreed for ryan's sake.

...but maybe it was partly for their sake, too. or for hers? she knows quite well what they think is waiting for her in her own world.

if she's being honest, it warms her heart. even if it's complicated and in some cases a little painful, it's a good feeling, knowing that someone cares that much.

especially when the person in question is someone she cares for, too.]

...it makes me happy to hear that. [her voice is soft.] Really, it does.

[...

but.

but, she has to go home. there are wrongs that she needs to right - even if she can't do it by rewriting fate, even if there really is no changing the past, there's still the present to contend with. there's her brother, who still has no idea that she knows what he did. her brother, who rose to his position naturally, but was all too willing to pull her up on the backs of people who didn't deserve to suffer. her brother, who even in the future, confronted with proof of his crimes, won't regret what he's done.

ming yi - he xuan - is one thing; but she's kept her brother just as close. doesn't she need to make sure he won't hurt anyone else, too?]

I don't want you to think that I don't care for you, Douman. Because I do. [she reaches for their hand, then brings it to rest over her heart - it's beating quickly.] Very much. I... I want to see you happy.

[...]

But... I don't know if I can do what you want me to do.

[she can't stay.]

[They half expected that answer, but it still doesn't make it any less disappointing. Of course. SQX is a determined god, and the problems in her world are ones too much for even a simple mortal to grasp.]

[But Douman is ever selfish. Their grip tightens again on her waist, but releases, - they are unwilling to pull back, as if that very action would mean she would be fly away instantly, never to return again. Like a butterfly, doomed never to be caught.]

[The priest feels the tears run down their cheeks. Her heart is beating so quickly. Just like theirs.]

...Please. If you can't stay, just...visit. Just see Ryan's world. I'm sure you'd like it. For a little while.

[A shuddering sigh.]

I know I can't...keep you forever.

[the hand that isn't holding theirs over her heart quickly comes up again, to try and wipe the tears from their cheeks - it's almost reminiscent of a few days before. she even tucks her hand into her sleep to make it easier.]

That, I can promise.

[she smiles, and there's something a little sad and a little lonely in it.]

I can't stay, but I don't... I don't want to say goodbye forever, either. I want to see you again.

...I want you to be safe.

[Above everything, that's what they wish for.]

How can I guarantee that?

[just wait an hour and she'll get kidnapped to safety]

...believe in me.

[that's...

not something she's said in a while. not seriously - being under the influence of the virtue cake doesn't count.]

Believe in... in me, Shi Qingxuan. [not in the lady windmaster - the god she was never supposed to be. in her.] I'll take care of myself until we can meet again, Douman, I promise.

...You never did like being called Lady Windmaster, did you.

[A lofty title, but it was something that was given for that moment in the library, with Limbo. But otherwise, she is just...]

[Shi Qingxuan. She's just Shi Qingxuan.]

Alright. A-alright. [A nervous shudder.] I'll believe in you. In the person you are. In the person I...cherish, yes.

[They pull one of her hands towards their lips and kiss the back of it, lightly.]

[that moment in the library had been more than just a combination of two of her sins.

gluttony - despite how easily she was flustered, she'd been hungry for more of what limbo had been able to make her feel. pride - she'd taken great pride in making them beg for more just by stepping on them.

but her third sin had been despair.

that - and not pride - had been the reason for the title. being addressed by the title that she'd recently learned that she didn't deserve had fed into her despair more than almost anything could have, at that point.

douman is right; she didn't like it. before, she might have. now, it rings as hollow as anything else she'd thought that she had achieved for herself.

...but the person she is is another story. her expression softens, as they pull her hand toward their lips, and she lets out a breath.

the lady windmaster had countless believers, before, and may still retain some if she's replaced quickly in the heavens after returning home. shi qingxuan has fewer, but each one is all the more precious.

she tiptoes up to kiss douman's cheek.]

...thank you, Douman. I cherish you, too.

...

[A sweet kiss. As expected. But this is a person who must make their penance. Even if things were different than what they supposed, about her, she still murdered someone. She still allowed evil to thrive, blind to it.]

[But the kiss is still sweet, like an apple in summer.]

[Douman opens their mouth, closes it. Its hard to know what to say.]

[They settle for just giving her a light kiss to the lips, instead. Light, like feathers.]

Thank you.

[she isn't sure what she's expecting in response to that - another kiss to her hand, perhaps, if anything. the kiss to her lips catches her by surprise, even as feather-light as it is, and there's a moment, after they pull away, where she just stares up at them.

...how different would things have been, she wonders, if...

...

well, no. there's no making anything different; things happened the way that they did.]

...take care of yourself, okay? And of Ryan. [...] I'll be looking forward to seeing the both of you happy, when I visit.

[Somewhere, maybe, the quiet dream of a voracious shadow of humanity stands for a moment on faltering feet, awake for just a moment, before disappearing completely, satisfied.]

[Douman swallows, and nods.]

...Yes. Of course. [They hold onto her hands, giving them a squeeze.] I will do everything in my power for that.

Then I know the two of you will be just fine.

[she smiles, and gives their hands a squeeze in return.]

I believe in you, Ashiya Douman.

...Thank you.

[When has...someone ever said that to them?]

Qingxuan... [And their voice cracks, as they continue.] This humble priest is...happy they met someone like you.

I'm truly happy to have met you, as well.

[the fact of the matter is, these past two months have been full of suffering. but there have been some bright spots among it, and -

in spite of just how complicated everything between them is, meeting douman is one of those spots that shines very, very brightly.]

[A sigh.]

[Yes, throughout it all...the misery, the suffering, the regret, there are people here that care about them.]

[And what a great fate that is.]

...You're going back to your home, right?

Yes.

[that's the plan until luca and yuri kidnap her, anyway!]

...I need to settle things with Ming-xiong... and with my brother, too.

[They frown almost instantly at the name.]

Settle how?

...I'm not sure just yet.

[but she's still got a wish to use. she can figure it out.]

It depends on what is and isn't possible with the wish. But at this point... I know what was done, and he knows what was done, but my brother has never once admitted it.

He... needs to take responsibility for what happened, too.

Your brother...

[There's something tense in their expression.]

He needs to take responsibility for what he did to him, too.

[she puts her hand to her throat and nods once.]

...mm. I can't run from what was done to him in my name, and I can't run from the person who did those things to him in my name.

[...]

I'm done with running.

...You're a braver person than I, Qingxuan.

[...]

But please...run if you feel in danger. Do not even hesitate. Your life is on the line, you know.

[haha, no.]

I'll be okay. [...] I know what to expect, and what to protect myself from. It will work out.

...I believe in you, Qingxuan. Though it pains me to feel that I cannot be there to help.

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